I started off 2025 sick as a dog which was incredibly annoying as I had big plans for my week off. I was going to exercise and eat well. Write. Do jobs around the house. And rest. But the persistent yuckiness reminded me that patience is a virtue, and one that I don't possess much off. As I grappled against a silly but looming sense of failure, I eventually realised there was absolutely no point in pushing my body to be better NOW NOW NOW and relented to a week or two of boring old rest (which is totally different from the indulging spa experience type rest I had in mind).
I love a January re-set though, so I'm still reviewing, reflecting and writing. Just a little later than I had planned.
Moments in time
Nan passed away
Spending time with her at the very end of her life was terrifying, devastating and deeply emotional. Death is something that causes me wild anxiety, as I suppose it does for most people, so after seeing her like that, I felt off kilter for a couple of months. Now though, I'm just mostly grateful she's at peace.
Conflicts
I spent quite a few years on working on building and setting boundaries. And I wrote about boundary setting for beginners here. I thought these would be the be all and end all when it came to managing conflict. And while I do think they're productive, they absolutely do not mitigate against anything that is beyond your control. The year did not pass without its interpersonal dramas of course, whether they be work, friends or family related. Rather than delve into specifics, I have been making note of quotes from books I've been reading this year that have resonated:
"Don’t victimise yourself under the guise of taking responsibility, that’s not an apology, it’s self pity"
"An ego that is large but a self esteem that is small"
"You intentionally misunderstand and contradict me for your amusement"
"Myke insists on talking to me, despite having no verifiable interest in me as a person at all. I am playing a game with myself where I see how many questions I can ask him until he asks me one in return. So far, I'm at nine. It is like putting coins in a slot machine with no hope of ever getting a prize."
I got married!
Botty Watty part one was supposed to be a very low key affair where we signed the legal documents ahead of our wedding in Mallorca in September. However, in true Botty Watty (ok Botty) style, our civil ceremony grew legs and ended up essentially being a full blown wedding. Hehe. Yes we went way over budget - something I'm very good at - but with our friends and family living all over the country and globe, why not make the most of the rare opportunities we can all get together?! Totally unexpectedly it ended up being the best weekend of our lives. It was so emotional and special. And we are so grateful that a huge chunk of our friends and family got to meet before the real deal next, no, no this(!) year.

Nothing changes if nothing changes
After completing couch to 5k early last year and firmly making running a key part of my routine, I knew the next seemingly impossible task I needed to take on was tackling my diet and weight. I worked long and very hard on having a positive relationship with my body and the way it looked in my 20s. Doing so offered me a freedom and a kindness few women experience. Part of this freedom, however, entailed something called 'intuitive eating'. Intuitive eating for me, meant a family size block of galaxy chocolate, several bags of crisps and multiple cans of fizzy drinks. And lots of other ultra-processed foods. Every day. After a very sedentary couple of Covid years my weight was exponentially increasing.
Intuitive eating certainly has its place, but in a world where supermarkets are filled to the brim with ultra-processed foods designed to make us crave more and more of them, I do wonder what that place is for me. I'm not going to harp on about it here, I'll write a more about what I've been up to in another post. But, over indulging in those foods is not conducive to me feeling my happiest and healthiest self. So, in the first half of 2024 I focused on making sure my meals were predominantly whole foods based, and in the second half of the year I focused on massively reducing my intake of those delicious ultra-processed naughties. I will never forgo it all though, I will continue to indulge in booze and chocolate and cake and crisps. I’ve just had to adjust what balance looks for me.
Eating less ultra-processed crap, doubling my protein intake and observing how much I eat (through calorie counting) has resulted in me losing a massive 9kg and I'm aiming to lose another 10kg this year. I am sooo insanely proud of this achievement - mostly because I have not fallen into the bad dieting habits that women are constantly berated with. Instead, I've focused on making manageable, productive and healthy changes. Changes that make me feel good on the daily. I've never been able to lose weight before. So yeah, this feels huge.
Of course, looking good at my wedding is part of the motivation for all of this, but I have chosen a dress I feel absolutely divine in NOW so that I can resist falling into any toxic pre-wedding habits. While the day itself is important to me, so is how I feel in the lead up to it. And I have no interest in being miserable for an extended period of time because I'm starving hungry.
Reflections
Anxiety
I started getting panic attacks when I was in sixth form. I struggled big time, for a long time with anxiety and panic. And while I mostly have those things in check now, I continue to struggle with those out of the blue panic attacks that make you feel like you're about to die. People talk about leaning into those feelings, and I've never really understood what that means, or how to do that. But this very short podcast has been particularly helpful in grounding me. And I have been able to add new tools to my tool box thanks to it.
As above, certain sentences and quotes have resonated with me:
"I love temporary locations. On holidays I am relaxed. I sleep well, read whole book pages. Fingernails unmutilated. I am not on my way anywhere else because I already am elsewhere. It is the place, but it’s also him"
"She was relaxed, in her element, only when in a state of evasion"
"He gave me a panic but one I couldn’t act upon"
Mantras that I've been chanting to myself when I've been in scary situations. Obviously these don't fix a problem, but I do find them very soothing:
"I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you"
"Breathing in, I see myself as a mountain.
Breathing out, I feel solid"
"I dwell in the present moment
It’s a wonderful moment"
After reading this quote (I know I've outsourced a lot of this blog post by including so many quotes) "If choices are only made to avoid some imagined worse fate, we end up losing trust in ourselves. And, you know, self-trust can be a slippery fish to win back" I realised I make lots of choices that are based on an imagined worse fate and thats something I'm going to challenge myself on in 2025.
Thoughts, feelings and actions I'm taking into 2025 with me:
A more content Ella
Pauline spoke about "refusing the business of misery" (surely a Paramore reference??) in her 2024 review, and it's something I massively related to. I thought this part in particular was poignant and something I'm going to be practicing in 2025:
"I’m not advocating for only focusing on good vibes (i.e. toxic positivity)—that’s the other extreme. Life is full of challenges. The truth is you are the sum of the people you let into your life. Be selective. Surround yourself with humans who make you feel alive, inspired, and supported—not like there’s a constant rain cloud over your head.
As best as I could, I stopped asking myself, “Am I behind? Should I be doing more? Am I where I’m supposed to be?“
Instead, I started asking, “Am I happy with where I am?”
Mentoring
Helping/advising/coaching others is something that makes me really happy. Inspired by Emma Parnell's call to arms to do more for juniors and those trying to break into the industry, I am in the process of setting up a 'walk n talk' calendar where people looking for advice will be able to book a free half an hour chat with me. My challenge is that I work across 3 calendars that are 100% un-interoperable (is that a word?), so, if anyone has any advice about the best way to set this up, please shout.
Looking ahead
This year is going to be a very big year for me. I'm getting married. Have other 2-3 weddings abroad. A UK wedding. And all the subsequent hen dos. To be totally honest, it feels quite daunting. How on earth am I going to afford it all?! Especially in this turbulent job market. And how on earth am I going to have the energy for it all?!
I know the answers to those questions but putting them into action is easier said than done. However, I'm going to give it a really good go. I'm not going to worry about finances while I don't have to. I'm currently working a great contract. If that ends and I can't find something else quickly, I'll panic about that then.
And I know what I need to do to protect my energy. I need to make sure I have a couple of booze free weekends every month. I need to keep my week nights free. I need to keep up my exercise routine as best I can. And just as I've worked on my fitness and health, I need to work on my patience. I hate saying no. I hate being so regimented. I hate having no room for spontaneity. I love seeing my friends and family as much as physically possible but this year, more so that any other year, I need to stay the fuck home and give my poor credit card a chance to rest.
And with that my loves, I wish you all a bloody lovely 2025.
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